I kinda wanted to get a mans perspective on this situation, I am thirty, single mother of three,?

and have struggled with cutting since i was young. I am in the middle of a divorce and happened to meet this wonderful man. Hes mature, responsible, and very loving. We met only three months ago it went fast very fast we said i love you within two weeks and whatever, well then a month ago we realized that we need to slow down, I myself am an all or nothing selfish kinda gal who is havin a hard time with this, to add to my drama i was laid off five weeks ago. well last night I had a "discussion" with my boyfriend who says he loves me and i am the woman he needs to be with and his family loves me and blah blah blah but right now we need to slow down even more hes not ready to commit. Well after we hung up, Icut myself for the first time in two years. Stupid i know but it helped for a minute. Well we went out tonight i hid it pretty well, till the end of the night then oops he saw it and obviouly wasnt happy. Mind you he works in a prison with the mentally unstable he said he sees that all the time. and that he was freaked out. I honestly told him in the beginning i use to do this but hadn't so it shouldn't have blindsided him but now i am really worried he is disguted with me and i dont know what to say to him. Yes i know that i should seek counsling and no i won't do meds cause i went that route years ago and it was horrible. I just need a little advice please no rudeness i don't need that. thanks to anyone who is willing to respond honestly